BY LYNN ARMITAGE

Sure, everyone's a comedian. But how many of us actually have the guts to get on stage and prove it? I know 81 fearless women who do - amateur standup comediennes who will be coming from as far away as Florida to take the stage at Martini Blues in Huntington Beach to duke it out for the career-boosting title of California's Funniest Female, a six-week contest for which I was invited to be a judge.

Did someone say "free dinner?"

I love to laugh, but I had to wonder: Do I have the right discriminating stuff to be a "judge?" Shoot, I think my 5-year-old's jokes are a riot:

Q: Mom, why is the tomato red?

A: Because it saw the salad dressing!

The nine, pre-screened contestants at this preliminary round on March 8 didn't know it, but I was an easy mark. Secretly, I was hoping the four other judges sitting at my table were better qualified. Before the contest began, I was already impressed with these women who were willing to bare their comic souls and confront, head-on, the morbid fear of rejection. And for what? A few laughs? OK, maybe the notoriety and $3,000 in prize money, too (first place earns $750).

This one-of-a-kind contest is the brainchild of 44-year-old Bill Word, a seasoned stand-up comic who staged The Funniest Person in Orange County contest last year, featured on NBC's Life Moments. "I decided to do this because female comics are somewhat neglected," Word says. "There's a certain element, especially in booking circles, that doesn't think women are very funny. But I do."

Against clichéd advice, Word quit his day job as a software engineer to pursue his passion for comedy full-time. He pours most of his energy these days into booking comics for weekly shows at Martini Blues, a classy supper and jazz club that's one of the best-kept secrets in town. "If it doesn't work out, I can always work the graveyard shift at Kinko's."

Go ahead.

Make me laugh.

After thoroughly enjoying my free dinner (I didn't order the most expensive item on the menu. But close.) I settled seriously into my God-like role as an official comedy judge. Scoring was in four separate categories: Performance, material, persona and overall impression. I expected male bashing and PMS jokes from this diverse group of supposedly funny women, from a stay-at-home mom to a human resources manager. Boy, was I surprised. Not only did they deliver one-liners like pros, but they were extremely fresh, funny and clean, too. Judge for yourself:

"I've had 10 husbands. Three of them were actually my own."

"In Las Vegas, there's stripping, gambling and drinking all night long ...and that's just inside the day-care center."

"I've been on a lot of diets-Nutri System, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig. My wallet never looked thinner."

See my dilemma? It was like judging an Olympic gymnastics competition where winners outperform losers by tenths of a point. What would it come down to? Hairstyle? Political affiliation? Hoping for guidance, I peeked at the score sheet in front of a more experienced judge, Jim Taylor, a 42-year-old director and producer of animated TV shows. Taylor had barely chuckled all night, a tough audience of one, and his scoring reflected that. Then Debbie Lockhart, an advertising copywriter from Los Angeles, got up.

Hands down, Lockhart delivered the best performance of the evening, if not her entire stand-up career. Due to the "nature" of her act, I can't elaborate. Let's just say Tipper Gore wouldn't have approved.

But Taylor did. He was in tears.

The envelope, please
Only three of the nine contestants advanced to the semi-finals, to be held April 3, 4 and 5. Perhaps I was a better judge of good comedy than I thought, since two of my picks were among the three winners: the quirky, ukelele-playing mom from Las Vegas, the secretary for UCLA's head football coach who is challenged by African American baby names and, no surprise, the bawdy Lockhart.

The one gal I picked who didn't win was Sue Nelson, a lively 33-year-old actress from Hollywood who "took the bullet," meaning she was the first one up. "You want to be third or fourth, when people are liquored up and laughing more," she said. "I can't help but be disappointed. But this won't deter me at all."

Laura Hayden, a physical therapist/stand-up comic from Hermosa Beach, was in the crowd. She's in the contest on March 22. Sizing up the competition, perhaps? "I just came to be entertained, and I was. It's like judging a beauty pageant. They're all beautiful, they're all funny."

With a few more preliminary rounds to go, two semi-finals and the finals on April 12 with guest host Maria Bamford, a comic who's appeared on "The Tonight Show," there are plenty more laughs available.

Shows have been sold out for each performance, so reservations are recommended. Call Martini Blues at (714) 840-2129.

And if you go, look for me at the judges' table. I'll be the one with the lobster dinner in front of her.

Lynn Armitage is a contributing writer to Churm Publishing Inc., who loves comedy, but never understood The Three Stooges.